Get Your Hands off My Slurpee Bro

The New York State Supreme Court struck down Mayor Bloomberg’s cherished large sugary beverage ban Monday, saying the NY Health Department lacked the “sweeping and unbridled authority to define, create, authorize, mandate and enforce” the ban, and calling the proposal “arbitrary and capricious” because of its many loopholes.  Fat revelers took to the streets in celebration, spraying fountains of Orange Crush and sloshing around buckets of Arizona Peach Tea.  They were right to celebrate, as Mayor Bloomberg’s ban threatened freedom, fell predictably on the poor, would’ve led to self-defeating unintended consequences and represented the wrong approach to improving health.

The soda ban epitomized American nanny state overreach in the 21^st century.  Already living in one of the most heavily regulated and rule-following countries in the world, Americans have been forced to face a slew of new impediments to their freedom in recent years.  Big cities deploy fleets of ice-hearted meter maids to rob citizens for petty infractions, keystone cops chase down grandmothers for going 67 in a 65, cigarette smokers are hunted like fleeing gazelles 30 feet from every store entrance and there are more areas you can’t walk, bike or run in America’s parks than areas you can.  Add to these formal restrictions the cultural restrictions on everything from eating butter to enjoying a grilled cheese sandwich, and it’s clear that people’s freedom to make decisions for themselves is being increasingly impinged.

However, everyone’s freedom is not being restricted equally.  The target of this ban, as with so many others, is poor people.  Who do you think enjoys ice cold 24 oz. Arizona Watermelon Drinks and one liter Mountain Dew Code Reds outside NYC’s bodegas?  The CFO of Morgan Stanley [that would be tight if he actually did]!?  Who cracks Steel Reserve Tall Cans or Mickey’s 40’s in downtown Seattle or DC?  Fucking Bill Clinton and Bill Gates?  Of course not!  Here’s an idea Mayor Bloomberg:  Instead of focusing all your energy taking away the goddamn Cherry Coke-Blue Rasberry megamix Slurpee I patiently created, why don’t you take a few minutes out of your day to go after the thousands of criminals who fraudulently robbed America blind and are currently walking Scott fucking free to their office buildings down on Wall Street!?

Percentage of neighborhood residents consuming. Source: NYC Community Health Survey 2009-2011

Besides inappropriately targeting the poor, these bans are almost always plagued by unintended consequences.  The U.S. government tries to restrict importation of clove-flavored cigarettes because they’re allegedly a teenage gateway to smoking.  What happens?  Clove manufacturers make their cigarettes even harsher, re-label them cigars (same packaging) and sell fewer per pack at a higher price.  DC bans the sale of malt liquor singles.  What happens?  Every corner store from Anacostia to Northeast now sells two packs of OE tall cans, forcing public drunks to get truly tailored instead of barely buzzed.

So what is to be done?  If bans restrict freedom, target the poor and typically fail, how can we as a society fight obesity and improve our health?  First, we should recognize that cultural changes are already occurring.  As a professor, I used to offer my college students diet Cokes at office hours and they’d look at me like I’d just tried to slang them iodized prune juice.  Second, instead of battling cheap and delicious corn syrup drinks, the government should shift subsidies away from corn to healthier fruits and vegetables [although 50 bucks says Coke would come out with Bell Pepper syrup within 6 months].  Third, local governments should promote fresh produce in poor communities, subsidize the construction of grocery stores, install water fountains and make it easier for people to make healthy choices.  Fourth, public awareness campaigns can be annoying and cheesy, but they can also work.  And finally, we need to implement a single payer or other truly universal healthcare system so that every gravy-guzzling uninsured person doesn’t turn diabetic and cost society an arm and a leg.